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I wish to God that I had come up with this.
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cvxn:
An old neighbour of mine is moving and just dropped off some stuff I’d left behind at the house where we lived a few years ago. Among the stuff… a package sent to me by my mother, who unbeknownst to her, died of leukemia in January of 2007.
Deep breaths...
I don’t have a comment, other than this is rather amazing.
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TWO AMAZING THINGS COMING TOGETHER TO DIVIDE MY ATTENTION FROM LEFT TO RIGHT #17
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Grocery Store Clerk: “I hate cats”
Me: “Oh..are you allergic?”
Grocery Store Clerk: “God no! I hate them too much to be allergic. My sister has cats and I wanted to fly out to see her, but she wouldn’t board her cats. I mean what the? I was going to pay for the boarding. I mean, choosing cats over your sister!”
Me: “But, you are not allergic at all?”
Grocery Store Clerk: “No, why would I be?at the grocery Store this morning, whilst buying kittie food.
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THINGS THAT DON'T WORK #12 & #13
#12. Punks “organizing” any type of anti-capitalism/government “revolution” in the interest of “socal change.” Riiiiiiggggght…oy oy..don’t bother, you weiners.
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#13. My Uncle Sal. He seriously has not worked an honest day’s work since ‘88. He spends his day watching “Falcon’s Crest” re-runs on VHS cassettes that my Aunt Betty taped back in the day. When he is not pre-occupied with watching “Falcon’s Crest”, he spends his days TALKING about “Falcon’s Crest”. You wouldn’t think that a man born and raised in Des Moines Iowa would be so into the feuding factions of the wealthy Channing/Gioberti family in the Californian wine industry, but that is where you would be wrong. As a side note, he also polishes old war medals when Aunt Betty has people over. My Uncle has never been in the military, let alone an actual war. Aunt Betty tells me that the medals were bought at the same swap meet where they bought the Ab Roller that sits in the basement. You know the one….it’s right by the Snoopy Sno-Cone machine and the Trivial Pursuit genus edition with all the missing pieces.
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“Just leave me alone!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that”
“Wait….don’t go!”
“Sigh….why do I always do this? When am I going to get it together?”
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FAILURE TO FIND SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY ABOUT SOMETHING SO EASY TO FIND SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY ABOUT #18
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I am shocked and suprised that a Hooters waitress was fooled this easily.
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If you don’t cry after watching this, then you are a stupid meanie and most likely a Sith Lord.
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I ACTUALLY slipped on a banana peel today. I seriously thought that only happened in cartoons. Next…..seltzer water!
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ON THEIR DAYS OFF #18
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- ON THEIR DAYS OFF #17
